All gear no cardio - Hoodie
🎒 THOUSANDS IN GEAR. ZERO CARDIO.
“Look at ye, with thousands of dollars of gear but no cardio since high school.”
For the tacti-chonk elite.
This shirt honors the warrior who never skips plate day — and hasn’t done a single lap since Bush was president.
You’ve got the nods, the comms, the plates, the flex — but that hill still wins every time.
🪖 FEATURES:
-
Studio Ghibli–style cartoon operator: beard, gear, and a face full of regret
-
Clean print, breathable fabric — so you can sweat through it if you dare
-
Designed for those who know their kit’s worth more than their truck
âś… YOU KNOW IT'S FOR YOU IF:
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You’ve said “I’ll start running again after this op” since 2017
-
You can recite your plate carrier loadout faster than your blood pressure
-
Your only form of cardio is rage-walking back to respawn
🛒 Pick it up now — because endurance is temporary, but shame is forever.
More details
- 50% pre-shrunk cotton, 50% polyester
- Midweight fabric: 8.0 oz/yd² (271.25 g/m²)
- Regular fit
- Unisex sizing
EU GPSR Product Information:
- Manufacturer contact information
- Name: Chief Larper
- Email: contact@support.larper.army
- Postal address: PO Box 5696 Santa Monica, CA 90405
- This product is made for adults. Meets the formaldehyde, flammability, lead, cadmium and phthalates level requirements. 2 year warranty in EEA and UK, established by Directive 1999/44/EC.
Size & Fit
Quality Guarantee & Returns
- Quality is guaranteed. If there is a print error or visible quality issue, we'll replace or refund it.
- Because the products are made to order, we do not accept general returns or sizing-related returns.
All gear no cardio - Hoodie Size Guide
| Size label | Length | Width | Sleeve length |
|---|---|---|---|
|
S
|
27
|
20
|
33 1/2
|
|
M
|
28
|
22
|
34 1/2
|
|
L
|
29
|
24
|
35 1/2
|
|
XL
|
30
|
26
|
36 1/2
|
|
2XL
|
31
|
28
|
37 1/2
|
|
3XL
|
32
|
30
|
38 1/2
|
|
4XL
|
33
|
32
|
39 1/2
|
|
5XL
|
34
|
34
|
40 1/2
|