All Gear No Cardio - T shirt
🎒 THOUSANDS IN GEAR. ZERO CARDIO.
“Look at ye, with thousands of dollars of gear but no cardio since high school.”
For the tacti-chonk elite.
This shirt honors the warrior who never skips plate day — and hasn’t done a single lap since Bush was president.
You’ve got the nods, the comms, the plates, the flex — but that hill still wins every time.
🪖 FEATURES:
-
Studio Ghibli–style cartoon operator: beard, gear, and a face full of regret
-
Clean print, breathable fabric — so you can sweat through it if you dare
-
Designed for those who know their kit’s worth more than their truck
âś… YOU KNOW IT'S FOR YOU IF:
-
You’ve said “I’ll start running again after this op” since 2017
-
You can recite your plate carrier loadout faster than your blood pressure
-
Your only form of cardio is rage-walking back to respawn
🛒 Pick it up now — because endurance is temporary, but shame is forever.
More details
- Solid colors are 100% ring-spun cotton
- Sport Grey is 90% ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
- Dark Heather is 65% polyester, 35% cotton
- Lightweight fabric: 4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²)
EU GPSR Product Information:
- Manufacturer contact information
- Name: Chief Larper
- Email: contact@support.larper.army
- Postal address: PO Box 5696 Santa Monica, CA 90405
- Additional information: This product is made for adults. Meets the flammability, lead, cadmium, bisphenols and phthalates level requirements. 2 year warranty in EEA and UK, established by Directive 1999/44/EC.
Size & Fit
Quality Guarantee & Returns
- Quality is guaranteed. If there is a print error or visible quality issue, we'll replace or refund it.
- Because the products are made to order, we do not accept general returns or sizing-related returns.
All Gear No Cardio - T shirt Size Guide
| Size label | Length | Width | Sleeve length |
|---|---|---|---|
|
S
|
28
|
18
|
16.75
|
|
M
|
29
|
20
|
17.88
|
|
L
|
30
|
22
|
19.13
|
|
XL
|
31
|
24
|
20.38
|
|
2XL
|
32
|
26
|
21.63
|
|
3XL
|
33
|
28
|
22.75
|